u n t i t l e d

2 days to the day I leave Malaysia for a place far far away called Birmingham. I started my countdown when it was 50 days away from the day I depart from Malaysia. At that time I couldn’t wait for the countdown to be 30 days instead of 50. Then it was 26 days away from the departure date when I really couldn’t wait for the day to come when it would be 10 days left here in Malaysia.

Some of you might think I’m very selfish, so excited to go over to Birmingham when you guys back here in Malaysia are so sad and reluctant to say goodbye. Yes, I do admit that I was selfish, in a way. But I don’t think anyone can blame me for this. I have wanted to go to UK ever since I was a kid! And here’s my chance. I was supposed to go to Australia, and really almost did. But I never forgot my dream of going to UK to study, and my mom knew it. And just the week before the term started in Taylor’s College,after I had registered in Monash, my mom decided to let me go to UK. Can you guys imagine the joy I felt? This was a DREAM COME TRUE for me!!

Even though I had to be separated from my good friends who were going to Monash, including someone who meant a lot to me, I stuck to my decision because I didn’t want to regret letting go of a lifelong dream because of my emotions.

So tell me, don’t you think I should be excited about going over?

Nevertheless, I hope that no one whom I love and treasure as family members or friends would ever doubt my sadness and reluctance to leave them behind. If only I could have the best of both worlds, I would want everyone to be with me there in UK. I would hope that I didn’t have to leave so many heavy hearts behind, hearts heavy because of me. But as we all know, that is not possible.

Some people have asked me to stop counting down the days, and I very nearly did, because as the day drew nearer and nearer, it hurt more and more every night when I updated the countdown. From 2 figures to only 1 figure. And now what’s left is only a number 2. It hurts inside, but I told myself from the very beginning when I started the countdown that I would not stop counting down the days no matter how much it hurt. I must continue, because the countdown signifies the number of days I have left to spend time with the people I love and cherish most. The countdown must be there to remind me each and every single day not to waste the day away feeling sad at home, but instead to do everything I can to show them exactly how much I love them.

And I am very glad to say that I have accomplished my goal. I met up with my best friends every opportunity I got. Though it wasn’t much time spent together, but at least I won’t regret not spending time with them, because it wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend more time with them, but because I/they could not.

I was quite sad at first when my friends at Monash did not have the time to meet me. I knew they were busy, but there was this time when I found out that they actually could meet me but decided not to. I never mentioned it to any of them, because I’m sure they had their reasons. And I decided that since they couldn’t come meet me, I would go meet them. Some might say that this is ‘cheap’. Yeah whatever, say what you want to say, but they are my friends and I really treasure them. And I couldn’t bear to leave Malaysia before meeting them first. Maybe they didn’t really want to see me that much..haha I don’t know..just kidding la..but anyway I wanted to see them, and I did.So I’m happy.

And then there are those who have a special place in my heart who no one else in this world could ever replace. Those who have cared for me and prayed for me and guided me through my roughest times. My beloved friends at Paramount Gospel Hall. You know who you are, because I know 2 of you who read this blog regularly. Haha, the 2 of you must be smiling now.

I realised that I have changed A LOT this year. It’s quite unbelievable actually, how much I have changed for the better. A dear dear friend told me that I smile all the time. I smile when I’m happy, I smile when I’m angry, and I even try my best to smile when I’m sad. And she said that she looks up to me for that. And now I want her to know how much that means to me. It feels really good when you know that you have a characteristic which is unique in you which makes someone else look up to you. If she hadn’t told me, I wouldn’t have noticed this huge change in me.

It is this change that has changed my life. I’m more approachable and people tend to trust me more easily. I’m so glad to say that even some of those who before this never had anyone they could confide in, confided in me. Even though I wasn’t able to help them all the time, but I found out that just being there to listen to them and care for them meant much more to them than I could ever have thought.

And there’s a special someone who is very very close to my heart. Closer than I dare to admit. The care that he has poured on me for the past 2 years was something I have never experienced before. I never dared to admit this because I was afraid that there might be a misunderstanding. And he never admitted it too for fear of the same thing. Haha. Looking back, I wish I had told him how I felt earlier, so that we didn’t have to be so shy around each other. All I want him to know now is that no matter how far apart we will be for the next 2 years, I promise that I will always always be there for him through every barrier or joy he experiences. And I’m sure he would be there for me too.

It’s 2am, I think it’s time to stop. There is no one whom I can thank other than the Lord for blessing me with such a change in my character. People say a person’s character can never change. But the Bible says "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible".

I love everyone. You know who you are. If you are reading this, I love you. If you are not reading this, I also love you. So conclusion is I love everyone. I don’t wanna write too much about recent events right now because it might open the floodgates. Hahaha..

I am currently very very very very extremely sad. I really really miss my brother. I really really miss my mom. I really really miss my dad. I really really miss my baby bro. I really really miss my aunts. I really really miss my best friends. I really really miss my friends. I really really miss my home. It’s not easy pretending to be strong in front of my mom,knowing that I’ll be leaving her all alone in 12 days’ time. Who’s going to take care of her? It has already come to the stage where I watch out for my mom more than she has to watch out for me. It’s so painful when I see her talking about me leaving and her eyes fill up with tears. I feel very hurt too. But I must not cry in front of her. No. Not now. For her, I have to put on a strong front. My bro was back in Malaysia for about a week. Even though we are now in university, the way we talk to each other and the way we act around each other is exactly like how we used to when we were in primary and secondary. Nothing has changed. He still treats me like the small kid who likes to be tickled and I still like to disturb and irritate him by staying in his room and refusing to leave his bed when he wants to sleep. I love these memories. I hope I never ever forget them. And I pray that they won’t remain as memories, but that one day in the future we might be reunited as a whole family and stay as childish and ‘rebellious’ as we used to be.