u n t i t l e d

I’ve always wondered when I would first have to face the death of someone close to my heart. I wanted it to be when I was older, the older the better. But now that I think of it, it wouldn’t make any difference at all how old I was at the time it happens. I would still feel the same pain and sadness whether I was 60 or 16.

I guess grief is like that. It is something no one can ever be prepared for. Doesn’t matter if you had known that the person has had a terminal illness for years and have been expecting his/her death from the moment you found out. Doesn’t matter if you have been crying since the day you found out. Doesn’t matter if you have been trying to learn to be independent of that person. In the end, it’s all the same. You still feel totally useless and unable to do anything at all to keep them for just one more second. You still cry even more than before they passed away.

You might not have seen or even spoken to that person for years. And the words "I never knew how much he/she meant to me" would definitely cross your mind. And you would be hoping that you could just see that person’s face just one more time. "Just once God, just once". But that’s not possible.

When the person was still alive, even though they were already old or already very ill, you still had the hope in your heart. The hope that if you had time to go to the hospital tomorrow, you would be able to see them lying there in that bed. That every time you walked through those doors at the hospital and went up those eerie elevators, you would still see them there, smiling, happy that you came today. But that image would not last forever. After they are gone, every single time you went through those doors, and every single time you smelled medicine, you would remember them. But it would only be in your mind’s eye. They would only be in your hearts.

Everyone would have to die someday. And with death comes grief. So everyone would FACE death at some point of their lives. I wish I could be prepared for that day when I would lose my loved ones. But this is a wish which I know will never be granted. Some people might think that you shouldn’t think of such things. But I don’t agree at all. It is a fact. And a fact is something which will come to pass and which nobody has the power to change except God.

I haven’t had to face any deaths yet. Of course, my grandfather passed away when I was 7. But I only started grieving when I was older and started remembering the good times we had together when I was just a child. However, just recently, I have had to face a really really difficult situation concerning one of the two closest people in my heart. Someone whom if I lost right now, I wouldn’t know what to do in life. Suddenly, I was thrown into this circumstance where I MIGHT have to lose that person now. I still don’t know what will happen to that person yet.

However, some of my friends have not been so ‘fortunate’ as me. They have lost their loved ones. And it’s not just one person I’m talking about. More than 5 of them have had to suddenly face this tragedy, and so I knew. I know that it is now the start of that period of time when my generation would be facing the death of loved ones one by one. And I am afraid.

To my grieving friends, I hope that after you read this, you would believe me when I tell you "I understand how you feel". Because this fear has been haunting me since such a long time ago, it almost feels as if it has happened to me before. I do pray for all of you, and I trust that time and the Lord will heal your hearts. And the most important thing that I want you to know is that no matter what happens, I would be your friend. I will be here for you and try my best to comfort you and help you to go through difficult times till that day when I am no longer able to do so.