u n t i t l e d

I was reading my friends’ blogs and I suddenly realised how long its been since I last poured out my feelings in my blog. Its not that I haven’t had anything interesting or had any feelings for the past I-don’t-know-how-long, but its just that I feel as if I am stronger now,and that I have learnt how to keep my feelings inside and deal with them myself instead of sitting,crying and typing in front of the computer.

At this moment in time, I feel confused. And I feel uncertain about my future. Sometimes I wonder whether coming to UK was a mistake. I know that since I left, my best friend has been through some very very tough times. I don’t know if she had to go through anything like this when I was in Malaysia,but I have never seen her this sad before. When I see her so sad and I am not there for her, I feel sad and my heart feels so pain. And the worst thing is that she never tells me what it is that made her sad. She never used to tell me any of her problems anyway, but I just feel that if I was closer to her, if I wasn’t thousands of miles away, the chances of me being there for her are higher.

To tell you the truth, coming to UK has taken me away from the only friends whom I can trust at all times. It has taken me away from my family, my favourite places, my favourite past times, my favourite food, and everything that I have lived with for the past 18 years. It is true when I say that coming to UK has taken everything that is meaningful to me, except my second best friend and my studies. If I were still the "me" from last time, my tears would be pouring down right now. But I am really stronger now, and I am able to hold them back. The emptiness inside is something very real that every person who goes to study overseas has to feel. It is not something that is there one day and gone another. It is always always always there, but it is just whether you want to give in to it or face it.

(THE ORIGINAL POST HAS BEEN EDITED)

I don’t know where I am going to be in three years’ time. It might sound like nothing, but it certainly changes your view of life. I don’t dare to make any commitments whatsoever, whether here in UK, or in Malaysia. Because I might have to leave everything behind!! Both here AND in Malaysia. Everything is just so uncertain..and what I want right now is certainty. And because of this I feel so confused. Everytime I feel as if there is someone whom I am just a little fond of, I force myself to stop thinking about it because if I get into a relationship now and then have to separate with that person, the both of us would be so hurt.

And another funny thing is that all my guy friends still think that I’m with (that person) and so none of them actually dare to get close to me. And I can tell you, it is FRUSTRATING! It’s as if because of a past relationship, everyone is afraid to come near me. ARGHHHH. Guys, once again, let me inform you, IT WAS HALF A YEAR AGO! LET IT GO!!!

Ok, time to take my bath. Just got home from visiting a friend’s church. All the people there are from Hong Kong. Thankfully my Cantonese was of sufficient standard for them to understand me. Hahaha.