u n t i t l e d

Hi everyone, I’m in Birmingham now. Actually, I’m in the computer cluster at the Mechanical Engineering department of the University of Birmingham together with 2 guys who are crazy about football typing a blog post because I don’t know what else to do.

Usually, I type out my feelings. But today, I don’t know what to say because I can’t tell anyone how I feel. To say that I am happy would be a lie,but to say that I am sad wouldn’t be all that true either. I just seriously miss some people in Malaysia who play a big part in my life.

Life goes on, classes have begun, knowing more and more people. Maybe one day I will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. =)

Only hours away till I leave Malaysia once more to continue my course. What I’m feeling is really hard to describe. I feel sad and worried, but at the same time I know there is much to look forward to. I can really see the chapters of my life as if my whole life was written in a book. Going back to Birmingham and starting my third year would be the closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one.

I can’t help feeling worried about my good friends here, some who are going through difficult times right now, with many important decisions to make, some are having problems at work, and some who are having problems in their relationships. Though we will be miles and miles apart, I will try my very very best to keep in touch with all of you, but you all must promise me that you will try your best to do so too. GOOD FRIENDS CAN’T BE KEPT APART BY A LITTLE STRETCH OF OCEAN!!

So to all of you, please take care of yourselves, take care of your hearts, and I promise I will take good care of myself too. Don’t worry too much about me, and don’t make me worry about all of you too much. Till we meet again, I will always pray for your well-being. I love all of you, my wonderful friends. =)

One of my favourite passages in the Bible is Ecclesiastes chapter 3. It really really reminds me whenever I feel sad that it is alright for me to feel that way. As it says, there is a time for everything. We can’t hope to feel happy ALL the time..because there is a time to feel happy and a time to feel sad. A time to fall in love, and a time to fall out of love. There is a time to work hard, and a time to enjoy. A time to weep, and a time to let go and smile. I’m sure everyone has something to learn from this passage. Here are some verses from the chapter. Enjoy! =)

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

He hath made everything beautiful in His time: also He hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Waited for something for so long that I lost all hope of ever finding it. I finally found it. I really found it. I couldn’t even believe that this would happen to me. But..I cannot keep it and call it mine. The clock is ticking down the minutes till I say goodbye.

这是不能说的秘密 shhh…

Went to Qian Wen’s house last night to watch some fireworks display. Her house is on top of a hill, so the view from there is absolutely spectacular even without any fireworks. It was a really nice night, didn’t really feel the Merdeka spirit but I really felt just so close to my dear friends. We stayed up till 4am and woke up at 9am! Hehe. Then we went for breakfast at this place called Kiwi Bakery and Cafe. The food was alright, but I could see blood dripping from the notes as we paid.

I found out recently that I absolutely LOVE night views. Yesterday, sitting there at the hill top overlooking the whole of Puchong, I just felt so comfortable and happy. It gives me this peace inside, away from the world, and my thoughts are free to roam to wherever they want to. Sometimes before I go to bed, I even just walk to the window to look down at the guardhouse, and even THAT makes me happy. But I feel bad because I wouldn’t like to give the guards a fright if they were to look up and see a pale long-haired girl staring down at them in the middle of the night!!

Been doing some travelling lately, and I remember the breathtaking night view of KL as we were arriving at KLIA. Wish I could see it right now. The thought that came to me when I saw the view was, there are so so so many lights down there. Each representing a different house, a different lamp-post. And I could see the pattern of the roads, because of the uniform distance between the lamps. I wondered then, would it make a difference in the view if ONE of those lamps were to be turned off? And the answer is, no. I most probably wouldn’t even realise. But then, say if one lamp were to be turned off on this road, and one on the next road, and another on the next, and one here and one there, would that make a difference in the view? My answer was yes. The view wouldn’t look perfect anymore, I would realise it, and I wouldn’t like it. And it is just one here and one there. I WOULD realise it.

I guess what that taught me was that sometimes you might feel like you’re so insignificant in this world. Imagine if the view was the world, and you were a lamp-post. You might not have a close group of friends, and you think that the world wouldn’t realise if you were gone. But each and every person makes a difference, just like every lamp-post makes a difference. The view might not have SEEMED imperfect if one light was turned off, but it WAS imperfect. Maybe the world might not realise if something happened to you, but at least SOMEONE will. No one lives in this world without leaving any memories whatsoever. NO ONE IS INSIGNIFICANT. Have confidence in yourself and find friends who would treasure you.

Well, hope that made sense. Really made sense to me, but I’m not too good at expressing myself. Haha. Anyways, happy Merdeka to every Malaysian!

Time has really gone by so quickly. It is now exactly 4 weeks before I go back to England. Don’t feel like going back now, I’ll miss everyone here too much. But as the verse in Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time for everything". I’ve had 2 wonderful months of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and now it will soon be time to put my brain and body to use once more.

The trip to China was absolutely wonderful. Met so many fun uncles and aunties, and some really cuteee kids. It really felt like we were family during those 8 days. Miss seeing the kids running around and disturbing us, and listening to the uncles talk about the best food around Klang Valley, Kelantan,Golok,Penang, and the aunties who wouldn’t stop talking and pay attention to the tour guides!!! Hahaha. Some of the families even said that we should arrange to go on another trip together,with the same tour guide. Wish I could go too!!

Shall make special mention of the tour guide. She is a really really great person. She could make the history of China sound as interesting as …(hmm, what’s interesting?) Well, she made the history of China sound as interesting as the history of China to me! Because I love history!! Not only that, she also really cared for us. It was really HOT when we were there, about 32-36 degrees Celcius everyday. Whenever we got up the bus after walking around in the hot sun, she would make sure that we do not point the air-conds directly at our heads, as it would make us sick. And she,the si fu who drove the bus,and our tour leader used their own money to buy us ice-cream,and souvenirs too. She even told us some stories about herself and her mom, and sometimes I felt like crying after listening to them. You can see and hear that she is a really good daughter. Learned many things from her which I will never forget. It’s really wonderful when you meet such people who truly cherish life, appreciating everything that comes their way, good or bad.

Happy Birthday to all Malaysians. Be proud to be a Malaysian.

Sometimes amidst all the chaos in life, you suddenly pause for a moment. All the things in front of you disappear, and you are thrown into a sphere where you wish time would go by at a much quicker pace and the Future would be here right now. You are at first fooled by the thoughts that the Future holds many things to look forward to. And then you try to think of one good thing which you can daydream about for the rest of the day, but the more you daydream, the more it becomes a nightmare. Then you try to plan your way around the nightmare, thinking you can avoid it. And maybe you can, but who knows? That’s what the Future holds. The knowledge of what happens next. Right up till the day you die. Then you try to comfort yourself by trying to think of another thing which might go smoothly for you in life. And the more you think, the scarier it all seems. And hope dissipates from you, maybe the Future really is nothing to look forward to. And you find that you’re stuck. And you’re thrown back into the Present. Stuck and not daring to dream anymore.

From observation, love is not easily found. There are 2 most common ways in which love develops between two individuals. The first is love at first sight, where they immediately have a strong attraction towards each other when they meet. This type of love is usually experienced by the younger generation. By younger generation, I mean those ranging from kindergarten to college. The second type of love is where you start loving someone after getting to know them quite well. The more serious of university students and working adults would know this type of love. They have already experienced all the ‘foolishness’ of love at first sight and are now determined to know their partners better before getting too serious. Well done to these people, you’re so fortunate. Take note that in both types of love, the individuals usually fall in love with each other at about the same time.  Take note too of the uses of the word ‘usually’ in this blog post.

However, there is also the category of unrequited love. Love at first sight and love after thinking masak-masak both come under this category too. Because there are those who fall in love with someone at first sight, but the other party does not feel the same way. And the same goes for those who think masak-masak. These are the people I feel for. For from observation, I found that if you start loving a person and that person doesn’t feel the same way about you anytime soon, or even have any ‘good feel’ towards you, you might as well just give up immediately. Because from observation, 90% of the time, they will never fall in love with you. From observation, it doesn’t matter how much time, effort, kindness, thoughtfulness, or whatever you sacrifice for that person, no matter how much they think "I should love you because you treat me so good", they will never really love you. They might keep you close, lean on you when they need you, giving you hope, but do not fall for that. They don’t really do it on purpose. It is human nature. But no matter what advise I give you about how not to fall for that, you will fall for it. This, too, is human nature. But don’t blame anyone if you get hurt. Because this is life. And this is love. Yeah, you always tell yourself the same thing, to have hope. I’m not saying that it is impossible for that person to love you one fine day, for it has happened before I’m sure, just that I haven’t experienced/seen anything like that happen ever before.

Also from observation, no matter how many times you tell yourself not to make the same mistake to fall in love again, you WILL make that mistake time and time again. Human nature.

Note: Do not let this blog post make you give up. But word of advise from me, just give up. LOL. Seriously. Don’t make that person hate you. Because that is what usually happens after you hang around for too long and the person starts to realise that it is impossible for them to love you.

Note #2: Sorry for being so pessimistic today folks. But yeah, this is what I truly believe in. =) All the best in love and life. Oh and sorry to all who are still waiting.

Only 10 more weeks till I will be back in Birmingham and starting my third year of Mech. Eng. Thinking of what I have to face in 10 weeks’ time scares me. There are things which I look forward to back in Birmingham, but there are also many things here which I would miss. Thinking of what I have to face through the winter and the lonely times that just come and go scares me more. Thinking about what I have to face when I graduate scares me even more. I tried imagining myself when I graduate. Should have known better than to do that. Haha. I’m feeling scared already just thinking about thinking about it now.

One thing which I have learnt since going to Birmingham is patience. I learnt to take things one day at a time. And believe me, it sounds much easier than it really is. There are just so many things which I can ponder on and worry myself about, but then what use is it worrying about things which you can do nothing about? I have started to believe that if we let time take its course, everything will work out fine. I will worry when the time comes. And I will cry out of loneliness when I feel lonely over there. I will cry tears of sadness only at the moment where I have to say goodbye to my family and friends here. Not now. It isn’t time yet. Now, the only thing I can do is to enjoy the present. The laughter which I will miss in the future is here right now. And I shall enjoy the laughter now instead of worrying about the future. 

p/s: nothing scares me more right now than relationships and MARRIAGE. scared until don’t even dare to write anything about it. they just freak me out!!

I love life. I love love. I love everyone! I’m mad.